When bisexual yearnings can’t be suppressed any longer

It’s a story I’ve heard several times over the years: a middle-age woman who has been in a longtime monogamous heterosexual marriage feels she can no longer suppress her urges to be with a woman. She admits to having had those urges and sexual fantasies most of her life, and now in her, say, mid-50s feels she has to explore those feelings before it is too late. But she feels trapped: how to go about it, especially if her partner expects her to be faithful?

You might be thinking, well, a lot of middle-age men and women in monogamous relationships — whether they’re heterosexual or gay is irrelevant — experience midlife urges and desires to have sex with people other than their partners (if not before midlife).

And you would be correct, except it’s somewhat different for bisexual people — of which I am one. When we choose to be in a monogamous relationship, we are sacrificing a part of our sexuality. Sure, I might have a happy sex life with a male partner or a female partner, but neither of them can fulfill the sexual roles of both male and female.

I am currently in a relationship with a woman, whom I love dearly and stay faithful to because she expects it of me. But I do miss being taken by a hunky male sometimes . . . It’s a need that will remain unfulfilled.

But what if the desire overcame me to the point of obsession? What if it preoccupied my thoughts night and day?

Well, at that point I could explain to my partner that I needed to be with a man, not out of love, but for raw sex. But if she said no, that it would be a deal breaker, what then? Be dishonest and cheat? Run the risk of getting caught and destroying our relationship?

Fortunately, I am not in this predicament; I can suppress my desire to be with a man, probably because I have been there and done that — I have been able to explore my bisexuality over the past decade or so.

But other bisexual people do get to the point of desperation, and relationships crumble as a result.

It’s easy for us to say that couples in situations like that should explore open relationships — especially if it will keep a marriage from falling apart. But monogamy is sacred for some people, and having sex with other people is out of the question.

And many are just too honest to cheat on their spouses, even if it would mean saving the relationship.

Yes, such tangled webs we weave.

Bisexuals are largely misunderstood in society. Many do not accept the concept of bisexuality, or take us seriously. They see us as swingers. If they see us in a same-sex relationship, then we’re “gay” as far as they are concerned. But nothing could be further from the truth.

Yes, I might be in a same-sex relationship, but I am still a bisexual person. Bisexual people are innately bisexual, just as some people are innately gay and others are innately heterosexual. We’re born that way, even if we never fulfill our desires.

So keep it in mind — if your partner one day expresses the need to explore his or her bisexuality, try to go with the flow. You’ll have a better chance of keeping your partner if you give him or her the latitude needed, and you’ll be loved all the more for it.

— Jillian

4 thoughts on “When bisexual yearnings can’t be suppressed any longer

  1. ALOHA JILLIAN:…. HAU’OLI MAKAHIKI HOU…… this is perhaps your best writing since i have been aware of your posts….. so raw and honest ….. it brings up lots of items relating to sex, relationships, honesty, beliefs, et al….. i was taken by your phrase: “… I do miss being taken by a hunky male …” as if you are a piece of meat to be used by some horny man!…. you did not say you miss “making love” to a male, but used for sex!….. quite interesting to me…… the main point which seemed to permeate your article is that it seems the problems/challenge/opportunity for humans is this mistaken belief that sex must only be shared with one person at a time. You did not say this; nevertheless, societies demand, by religions which demand sex only for procreation or within a marriage, has destroyed this natural interest in numerous sexual partners, either at the same time or over time. Most animals just have sex when they want; humans are forced to “couple up”, do “it” in private and rarely talk about it. Imagine the numerous partners an individual has over time. Each and every new person benefits from the previous experiences. it is truly sad that most “marriages” and “relationships” end because one or the other partner has “cheated”; had sex with someone else. Mostly it is because of the dishonesty; the “affair” both men and women long for when in an exclusive sex coupling. You also said: “… I can suppress my desire to be with a man …:. What about a desire to be with another woman? Is this a different feeling? It seemed the main point toward the end was the idea of bisexuality. You stated: “…if your partner one day expresses the need to explore his or her bisexuality, try to go with the flow….”. For me, it appears all people are bisexual. However, society has beat down this interest, making same sex contact wrong or illegal. Or disgusting. Again, mostly a result of the hold religions have are communities. Sometimes a person really enjoys chocolate ice cream only. Then they get tired of it and go for strawberry. Or some food becomes almost an obsession. Then one gets tired of it. Perhaps an analogy for coupling up. Some are swingers, some are polyamorous, some like group sex, some when in a group situation only has sex with the opposite gender. So many combinations. There are numerous other ideas which you sort of allude to. Perhaps check out the various “tantra” trainings and perspectives. There is also “OM” meditation. “Onetaste Orgasm Meditation”. All various other ways of looking at “sex” as a spiritual experience, not just a response to a physical urge. Mahalo for the stimulation, beliefs and comments you wrote about. Have a delightful new year. Aloha from the north shore of maui.


    1. Well, I have written about these subjects before and touched upon several of the things you mention. Check out this one:
      Bisexuality, Monogamy and Polyamory, at http://wp.me/pFhrM-fI.

      In truth, this current post was inspired by a woman who came to me recently to talk about this issue. I personalized it (i.e. made it about me) to protect her privacy. But I did feel it is a fairly common experience.

      As for being “taken” by a man, yes, I have made love with men. And I have also been taken . . . mmmm . . . swept up and ravished in the most delightful way. It takes my breath away just thinking about it. I won’t get into any finer details here, because this is not a porn site.

      However, I will write about my experiences as both a submissive and a dominatrix sometime . . .



      1. ALOHA JILLIAN:…. mahalo for your response… would invite you to “check out” the OM meditation/”onetaste”, especially with your current relationship; what a potential gift for both of you….. and any of the various “schools” of tantra…… aloha from the north shore of maui and HAU’OLI MAKAHIKI HOU…..


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