You know the app is coming to a play store near you soon.

“Tap here to find a local retailer with toilet paper in stock . . .”

In times of mass fear and anticipation, toilet paper is the go-to item, apparently.

(Note to self: check out the stock prices of bathroom tissue companies.)

I get it, of course. Nobody wants to get caught with their pants down and a dirty bum and no toilet paper.

“How did they wipe themselves in days of old, anyway?”

I googled it. Nope, not going back there. Improvisation is not an option.

We bought one package of 24 rolls at the local Wal-mart, which was fully stocked. Yes, I know our supply won’t last long if the coronavirus suddenly ends the world as we know it. I’ll chance it . . . this time.

Honestly, I really wish a Where to Find Toilet Paper app wasn’t necessary. But let’s face it: when civilization crumbles and credit cards and debit cards and cash and gold have no value, toilet paper will be the new currency.

And surely that is what is driving the run on bathroom tissue in some cities these days. At least, for some, umm, investors. Of course, it’s early days yet. Sitting on a basement full of toilet paper could be a mid-term or even long-term investment.

And there’s the risk that fire or floods or another calamity could wipe out the stock. Or theft . . . by a crazed mob . . . of apocalyptic zombies . . .

It’s a crapshoot. (Oy. I can hear you groaning.)

I’m thinking that not long after the Where to Find Toilet Paper app makes its debut, we’ll start seeing mainstream media articles about alternatives to “bathroom tissue.”

And that will most certainly be yet another sign of, er, the end, won’t it?

Click . . .

— Jillian