This post is being reprinted from a new substack publication I have started called The Montreal Dispatch.

It will soon be illegal for women to be butch in several Republican-led U.S. states, the Montreal Dispatch has learned. And guys will not be permitted to wear their hair long. Instead, they will have to sport crew cuts under new legislation to be introduced in the weeks to come.

It’s all part of the MAGA extreme right’s culture war on “woke leftists” and their bid “to make men look like men and women look like women again,” a concerned Republican source, who requested anonymity, told the Dispatch.

The source said Flouride governor Ron DeSatan has told his counterparts in other Republican states that snuffing out LGBTQ lifestyles is not enough.

“What’s the point of doing that if butch women still look like men and long-haired men still look like women,” he reportedly told them. “We must see this through if we want America to be hetero-normal again.”

Under the planned legislation, women will not be permitted to wear pants or shirts in public or in private, the source said. They will be required to wear dresses or skirts that fall below the knees and blouses that completely cover up their cleavage. They will also be required to wear their hair long, with the minimum length set at the shoulders. They will no longer be allowed to wear high heels, with limits set at two inches. And sneakers will be forbidden except for in the gym, where they will also have to wear blue bloomers, black knee socks and white blouses.

Men will have to keep their hair short, with a crew cut being the maximum length. And they will not be allowed to wear any feminine-like or sexually suggestive clothing in public or in private.

“They are banning anything that resembles cross-dressing or androgynous styles,” the source told the Dispatch. “They are rolling back the calendar to the 1950s and ‘40s.”

In a phone interview, a spokesperson for jean company Levi Strouse said it’s too soon to measure the potential impact the legislation will have on its sales.

“If women can’t wear jeans, can they still wear jean skirts? If so, we might be able to mitigate our losses in the jeans market by pivoting to skirts in those states. Who knows?”

One 30something Flouride butch lesbian with a shaved head told the Dispatch that Gov. DeSatan and the others are going too far and that she feels duped.

“Sure, I was OK with Republicans erasing trannies. I supported that; those damned trannies were stealing all the attractive chicks. But I never dreamed they would erase me, too. It’s not fair!”

Still, she says she will comply with the new rules and has already started shopping for dresses, skirts and two-inch pumps.

“It will take my hair a while to grow out, though,” she said, with a laugh.

The legislation will also include a ban on body piercing except for women’s ears. But men will no longer be permitted to pierce their ears or wear any kind of earrings, including clip-ons.

The Republican source also told the Dispatch that a complete ban on homosexuality, for both men and women, is being considered along with bisexuality.

“It’s inevitable,” the source said. “There is no room for same-sex relationships in the Republicans’ America.”


OK, this is an April Fools Day parody. But you gotta know all of the above and much worse could happen if Americans don’t stand up for their civil rights. Which I think they will. The Republicans’ biggest mistake was in thinking they could impose their extremism on freedom-loving Americans. It’s not going to happen. The youth will rebel first, and adults will join them.