And so it came to pass in the land of the simpletons . . .

By April Love
For the Universal Dispatch

AMERICA — Sex workers and escorts in several states are reporting a surge in business since Republicans began instituting washroom restrictions on trans people this spring. But escort agencies and motel owners are crying foul because their revenues from those workers are falling, they said today at a joint press conference in downtown Republicansville — which only this journalist attended, and which may explain why the participants dispensed with any prepared statements.

“It used to be about 70% of my revenue came from hookers, er, sex workers and their johns, er, clients,” said Johnny J, of the Tawdry Motel in downtown Republicanville. “Now, maybe 30 percent. And tourists ain’t comin’ like they used to. Things are lookin’ real bleak. That fucking governor and all his flunkies should mind their own fucking business!”

Escort agencies, meanwhile, are reporting that a major worker shortage is behind their falling revenues.

“If we don’t get more girls soon, we’ll be out of business,” said Eddy E, of the Tawdry Escort Agency in downtown Republicansville. “Everything was fine until the Republicans changed the rules. All through the pandemic, no problem. We had lots of business, especially from the MAGA crowd. But now, they’re getting it in the can at work or other state buildings. It’s like they rigged it so they could muscle out the escort agencies and the motel industry.”

But sex workers and escorts are praising governors like Ron DeSantis for opening another door for them: into the men’s rooms of state-owned buildings, and they are hoping washroom restrictions on trans people will spread to all businesses with public washrooms.

“It’s like manna from heaven,” Lola L told the press conference. “Before, most of us worked through agencies, which took a big cut of everything we made. Now we don’t need the agencies anymore. We just hang out in the gents’ rooms, and the clients know where to find us. And find us they do. They are flocking to us. Business is freakin’ booming! Sure, sometimes a guy wants a longer session in a motel, but most of the clients are happy with shorter sessions in a restroom in their offices or at places like the airport. So, we can pass some savings on to them. It’s win-win for us and the customers.”

The “manna,” Lola explained, came in the form of bills forcing trans women to use men’s rooms. And while Lola herself is not trans, she says she simply says she was born male if anyone questions her.

“I’d say the vast majority of women entering these men’s rooms are not trans,” Lola said. “And nobody’s complaining about it. The guys love it. One told me the only reason they passed that trans bill was to get us into their restrooms. Honestly, they’ve got nothing personal against trans people. They, uh, hang out with trans workers in there, too. No problem. Most of these Republican types are just pussy whipped by their self-righteous old ladies, that’s all, and they need some comfort without all the hassles of agencies and motels.”

Asked to comment, a Republican spokesperson said by email that he wasn’t concerned.

“If they say they were born male, we have to take their word for it,” said Joe Simpleton, adding: “The rest sounds like fake news to me.”

Indeed, it is fake news, for now. Or is it? Winks . . .


Love, Florida style: The awakening of a Republican